i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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