Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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