Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
