I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just pee around me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
