I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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