Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
