i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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