He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
