need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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