a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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