we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
