I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
