I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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