I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
