Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"