We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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