You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
