I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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