I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
