in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
