apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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