you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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