I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
