forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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