How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
