i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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