Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
