She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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