im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
