The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
