you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Still dying that you shit outside
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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