and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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