im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
