When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
