you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
