i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
