Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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