If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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