Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off