On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So apparently I’m into choking now
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