She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
