Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
