I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
