I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
