Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
