I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
