So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
