If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
