I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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