the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if only i could text you this smell
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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