She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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