just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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