Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
