Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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