3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
