my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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