Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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