i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
